In a favorite sitcom scene Roseanne, the patriarch of the family Dan sat his son DJ, a novice for masturbation. “The funny thing about this,” Dan says during heart to heart, “is that even though it’s okay and everyone does it, there’s nothing wrong with it, nobody ever talks about it.”
Dan then put a finger to his lips.
It could all have happened in the early 90’s and we’d like to believe we’re relatively cooler, calmer, and substantially more sexually savvy today than we once were.
We would, of course, be completely and completely wrong.
Although masturbation may have undergone a substantial image overhaul since those happy Victorian days when everything from vigorous exercise, to electric shocks Corn flakes they were prescribed to cure it, to be honest, we didn’t even get close enough to have a frank conversation about it.
Apples for good health, exercise for good health. orgasms? Sssh [finger to the lips]. We can’t talk about any of this.
While the omnipresence of porn might provide a decent sign that some of us are enjoying the odd puff and diddle, we’d apparently prefer to believe that everyone is simply perusing LiveJasmin.com for the articles.
And, thanks to those holy rollers, ours supermarket shelves it will forever remain immaculate by the self-stimulation equipment.
So we try to expose our double standards all nice and clear. So cigarettes and alcohol are all perfectly sensible items to sell in supermarkets, but isn’t a clitoral stimulator?
So the products that lead to lung cancer and liver cirrhosis are Good and the products that lead to orgasm are Bad?
Sure, it makes sense. And presumably lubricants are okay because they can serve the double task of undoing an annoying zipper? And condoms are good and dandy because they make balloon animals sturdier?
As someone who has spent the last few months working on a book on masturbation, I have enjoyed many quality tomes on the subject. My favorites are the Christian self-help volumes. With titles like How to win your battles with Satan And They will expel the demons. Without them I would continue to harbor the most bizarre of masturbatory misunderstandings.
Did you know, for example, that masturbation provides a portal to the devil? That in all that carefree, IST-free fun, we actually are making love to satan? Exactly. If only you had looked at that Linda Blair exorcist documentary.
I appreciate that masturbation is a topic that some people feel picky about. In the same way that words like orgasm And clitoris And vibration in any context other than cell phones they give some people the chills
But since when do supermarkets stop selling products simply because there is a bit of cultural unease around them? As any sitcom will testify, if you have testicles you will inevitably freak out in the feminine hygiene aisle. Yet as far as I know, Woolies still sells tampons.
But the wowsers’ campaign to kill pleasure – as is their mandate – has been successful and Woolworths has cleaned the shelves of everything that vibrates. Obviously. God forbid a shopping expedition could lead Lil ‘Ezekiel to ask, “Mom, Mom, what is it?” in turn leading a parent to actually have to be a parent.
Thankfully, there is light – and an orgasm – at the end of the hall. Sex therapist Dr. Ruth she once delightfully described cucumber as the “edible green dildo”. In the same section you can also find carrots, courgettes and bananas.
Mosey passed that recently vacated shelf to the dental hygiene cabinet. Amy (Mayim Bialik) in The Big Bang Theory Gerard called her. Electric toothbrushes are cheaper than the Durex offering and my extensive empirical observations lead me to believe they offer rather decent buzz for the price.
And do I have to gesticulate with a smirk at the mascara wands, the candlesticks and the cabanossi? God bless the small goods section.
[Gasp!] People masturbate with things Other compared to Durex vibrating bullets? I know, I was shocked too.
Imagine for a moment that you dare to think of sexual pleasure as a good thing. A bizarre suggestion, sure, but be patient.
Imagine if we taught boys and girls how to self-stimulate effectively in the same way we teach good health and good hygiene. Imagine if we dared to give girls enough power to think them deserve orgasms and which in fact can be had over and over again without even a penis in sight.
No, stupid, stupid suggestion. Intercourse – preferably without those pesky condoms getting in the way – is the best way to satisfy sexual urges. Alcohol, cigarettes, sexual intercourse and prayer.
Because I know for sure that I would never have run into masturbation if a Durex box hadn’t led me astray to the promised land of the clitoris.